Boo Hoo!

Would you please, just let it be?

Its been a kaafi strange week abhi tak. In a good way and not a bad one.

People from university suck much ass. Kuch hudd say zayda he. Bastids.

But I think, I should sat whatever and adios to them - but I have a major issue. That is saying no. Which, before you ask, I get from my dad. Acha Khair.

Mr. T is bahut he interesting, esp right now - you know when someoneweknowistryingtoohard, hahah, I just felt like saying - hmm, but I don't like the idea of being called a hummer.

I've been thinking and thinking about what I'm doing with my life - to my friends and family, who're most always disappointed in me. I don't call when I say I will, I don't write or talk that often, I don't go out when they invite me - I'm basically being an anal bitch (in a non-sexual way though) - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I've been a worthless human being. I'm sorry for being a worthless friend. For thinking I'll take myself out of the picture and be okay with it. I'm sorry for being stupid and dumb and unwise and unfeeling - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorrier because I thought I won't (and this connects with the idea of me not being important to hurt you). But maybe I've reached my goal and now I'm sorry for the ridiculous goals I've set, for making sure I disappoint everyone of you, just to see if you stick around.

I won't give the 'this is not you, it's me'- speech, because it is me. What I can give now though, is a promise that I will call. I will talk. I will keep in touch. I will shoot an email in every little while just to ask how you're doing. I will come - invited or uninvited. All this because I do care. I do. Even if I'm stupid and dumb and ridiculously self conscious and self centered and genuinely twisted in my belief that I'm redundant. Maybe I am, maybe not - I can't decide that. You will. And maybe it will hurt, but it will be better than cushioning myself against everyone and everything I know and believe in.

I will try.

Thank you for sticking by, even though you didn't need to.

Thank you more for wanting to stick by.

I'm sorry, I'm going to better. Because I really do care.

dard-e-dil ki meray dawaa tum he hou ,
meri kashti kai nakhuda tum hi hou,
tum na torro meri umeed-e-dil,
meri umeedon ka aasra tum he hou.

- Ali Ali Maula Ali Ali, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Sultan Khan

sometimes women suck so much, its unbelievable. i mean come on. i know you have the hots for him, and seriously i don't, i don't even like him - get over your butt ugly jealousy and quit telling me what he's up to cause he's not up to what you think he is. he updates me cause I'm not after him like a bitch on heat. jeez. grow some brain cause all the hair you've been giving attention to, ain't helping much.

geez. social pressure my big fat ass. that woman is creepy. taz is right, maybe i should tell her I'm having his babies and she'll leave me alone. geezzzzzz

i promised to write, but this is wow, major rant. I'm going to sleep. i have boyzone playing in my head. i know, sad right? i don't feel so interesting anymore. writing for a cause. i don't know. i'm a very pleasant person, ask anyone, but wow, deja vu much?

the single question of the moment is: what am i really doing?

and while there are several answers to it, the statement from T caps everything, it can't be good. lolll

and in the words of cobra starship - i heard that you were trouble / but i couldn't resist.

apparently T also thinks my time has come to be put into a padded room. lol. (she's the best. what can i say?)

*luna makes the best sense.

there's something so insane about therightnow, right now. there's so much happening, so much that's unsaid and untouched but not unfelt.

i realised when the year began, that it'll be a year of many firsts. and lasts. people don't always get that when they form relationships (in whatever capacity they may be) there's always a healthy chance of them ending for ever. and for ever is such a long time. its almost like a tree, shedding leaves all the while knowing there's more life inside it and more leaves will appear. regardless. leaves are appearing, as are more colours on the horizon.

little by little, s is breaking apart in front of me. sometimes, I've been told by someone very intelligent, sometimes you let people break. you should. because there is no forever (there is that word again!) but for ever is such a long time, isn't it? its almost like dying, but living and what's the point of that anymore? I've got to stop asking questions, because questions tend to hurt many. they shouldn't, but they do.

its the year of ends and beginnings. newer ones have a way of popping up before you even know they're there. i wonder what I'll do/say in the next 6 months. would i be as giddy, surprised and unsure of myself as i am right now? or, would i be a giddy, surprised and sure person that i always thought I'd become? its just a lot of questions. lots and lots of them. this could, like last year, be a year of lots. lots of friends, lots of time spent laughing and dare i say, lots of love?

i think, i've lost and gained a little faith in people this year. last year i mean. how did it suddenly get to be the 15th of january? i know i have a lot of friendships that are dented. why they dented, i do not know, but that i had a part to play in that, that I'm sure of. friends, like lovers, have a way of making you feel needy and when you feel redundant, that is when everything sort of crashes down. crash and burn and be no more.

on another completely different front - since i didn't know what to do with my life, since my writing has gotten lacklusture, since i can't put words on paper anymore - I've gone ahead and gotten myself a fantastic sounding job. i say sounding at the moment, because i just know how it sounds. will report back in a few weeks time.

i feel like writing random stuff, random lines. i have u2 on the speakers right now though - that and the fact that its somewhat cold and when you breathe the air smells of forgotten flowers and burnt wood chips. its strange and beautiful, Karachi is these days - a potent mixture of hope and hopelessness. if April is cruel then December is a month of letting go and forgiveness and January, a new beginning and love. and Thom. and remembrance. January is also always, always about remembering. you think, always, that this time you'll bring forth a newer you - forgetting that the milder, calmer, younger you is all you have left to compare with. i like some children, there is just so much fascination on their faces when they come into contact with something new and unfamiliar. there's just such a... need? to observe and possess. as we grow older, our entire beings tire out and that's that i suppose. a shroud of false?

birthday presents, unexpected, like hugs and comments about myself, make me slightly ill at ease. i guess most of it comes from being a cute child and a horribly awkward teenager and a definitelynotpretty grownup. but we're at birthday presents, so yes, unexpected ones are always a surprise (lol) as generally unexpected things are.

there's a story here that's brewing - like a good cup of chai. its there, hidden somewhere between what's acceptable and expected and accepted and what's just not. and never will be. there it lies, like stories always do, between words, passages and lines and there it is. maybe I'll tell you about it someday when I'm feeling mellow and contemplative and sad and unfriendly, I'll tell you the story that's brewing that will maybe turn into something that's not always what it is.

maybe I'm meant to tell you that story.and maybe, just maybe you're the only meant to listen and understand.